I realize this will probably get a lot of anger for me, but I need to get this off my chest at least once in my life.My son is turning 14 and I realize now that I hate him. I have tried to be a good dad to him but he has been a plague in my life. He lies about everything, he steals from not only me but everyone we know, I have had to apologize for him millions of times. I live in fear of him one day figuring out he can start calling my work and make up some story to get me fired... I thank god he hasn't thought of that one yet. He was a premie and he's always going to be small, and I thank god for that too because he is a violent asshole, I've had to defend myself against him time and again, mind you he has never been in a fight at school (that I know of) because frankly he is a coward and would never mouth off to somehow who can legally kick his skinny ass. Me? Not so much, I'm not a big guy so he actually can hurt me when he punches or kicks or bites. I know nobody will believe me but I have never in my life raised a hand to him in aggression, but last winter after he came at me and I clocked him one in self defense and he called the police to the house, mind you after he called he started to smashed his head over and over into the fridge to give himself a bump and bruises. I think this is psychopath behavior.I was with his mom for about 4 months and we had unprotected sex one time which resulted in her becoming pregnant. We weren't in love and in fact we were fighting all the time even before she became pregnant. I won't say too much about it but she was a really toxic person who tried to blackmail me if I didn't do everything exactly her way, and in fact all the toxicity was already there before we ever even had sex. Suffice to say I was young and a total idiot and I fell into her trap. She would threaten to smoke pot or drink and hurt the unborn baby whenever we fought, her way to control my actions. We finally broke up about a month before she delivered, and I want to stress that I am not the person who left and I did not abandon her.Anyway I was prepared to do what I had to do, even though I had no plans to be with her but I would pay what little I had and try to be in my son's life even though I knew it would be hell.Well she died in childbirth and I'm left to raise my son alone. I have no family, mom died a long time ago, got a brother somewhere but I'm pretty much alone, nobody to help me with this (her mom used to live in my town but she is drug addict with her pedophile husband, now I don't know where she is or if she is even alive). I get some help from the community center but really it's just me and him.We have been to different counsellors and honestly I can't really afford it even with insurance covering 30%, plus he couldn't care less about it and just getting him to sit there and actually talk takes more energy than I currently have. There is no free professional counselling service within 100 miles, the only free service anywhere around here is at the church and we tried it and it was a total waste of time. I believe a real psychologist can help us but I simply can't afford to throw all that money away if he won't even try. He even told me he wants me to go bankrupt so I will go to jail, so telling him the financial situation only makes it better for him. He says it even when things are fine, all joking, but it worries me that he thinks it's funny to hurt me.Yes, I realize I raised him so he is my responsibility. I also realize he comes from bad genes (mine included) so what chance did he have? The thing is I really tried to be a good dad I could be, it wasn't enough and I failed, but at least I tried. I was overwhelmed from day one and knew I would fail, and I did so no big surprise there. But I just feel like I have been fucked over by life and I don't know what I could have done differently to raise him better. I didn't always hate him, but now I can't hide from the feelings I have anymore, even though in my daily life I could never admit what I am admitting here now.I drink to give myself a few hours a day where I don't feel like killing myself. Every day is just worse and worse. I just know one day he is going to make something up to destroy me just to show he has power over me more than I have over him. Nobody will ever believe a guy like me if my son decided to ruin me by making up even more damaging stories about his life... in a way I think the only reason he hasn't ever tried to really hurt me is because he isn't bright enough to realize how much power he already has over me. I feel like a hostage and my life is about to implode every single day, and I feel like my life is hell. There is no hope in sight for me, I am never going to get the big promotion, never going to meet that great woman who everyone says is out there, never going to get a vacation, own a nice car, have nice things, even have somebody who loves me and is proud of me. I feel so pathetic even writing that.Sorry for the long rant, and feel free to pile on the hate because I know in the end I am a bad father and a drunk and a failure in life. I don't even hope for a better future, all I hope for is some hope (if that even makes sense) but I know that's like waiting to win the lottery. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2LScE4O
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