Let me start off by saying I'm not a model parent. I'm not even that great of a human being. I struggle with things like guilt, remorse, empathy and the concept of love. I might have some sort of Antisocial Personality type thing, I might be a high functioning autistic person, I might just be a cold, selfish asshole even.That said, my eldest daughter was studying at a coffee shop/juice bar place, Juiceland, which is like a stone's throw away from where the last reported "bombing" ( it was an incendiary device they believe was unrelated to the other bombings ). My girlfriend and I got the news and I tried to call our daughter, but it immediately went to voicemail. My first thoughts were that the circuits/cell towers were getting hit hard since all the law enforcement and news crews immediately moved into the area as well as everyone else making sure someone was safe.My girlfriend showed some concern but I could tell she was holding a lot of it back. I had been trying to keep her calm all week, as the trip wire bomb and the FedEx store were both within a mile of our home. These bombings didn't scare me in the slightest and that probably has more to do with being severely emotionally screwed up and battling some deep depression. Anyway, the police blocked off a large area around the shopping center this occurred and we were supposed to be picking her up around the time all this went down.Our daughter also has a habit of being a thrifty fashionista and regularly shops at that specific Goodwill location. I hopped in the car and started the trek to loop around the blocked off portion to go pick her up. I kept calling her trying to get through and after 15 minutes of stop and go traffic I let the worst two words creep into my head. "What if...".My daughter hasn't always been mine, she's my girlfriend's daughter from a previous marriage and I've been the fatherly figure in her life since 11. Of all my kids, her and I have a pretty strong, solid, open relationship with each other. She's a studious, artistic, smart girl and we've been talking about her going off to college this summer and that's been something I have been proud and happy for her about, but also sort of secretly don't want to happen. She's my buddy. I'm going to miss her a lot when she leaves, but she's come a long way and is pretty well equipped to start her life as an adult now.Sitting in this mile long line at a stop sign, inching my way along, as that stupid phrase came up in my mind, I started tearing up and shaking. This is not something I'm accustom to. Hell, showing genuine feelings is hard for me at times. I'm not the most emotionally mature or well equipped person out there. I immediately started playing out scenarios that just crossed this whole spectrum of emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. I was still calling her over and over and over, while playing out some dumbass idea about how I would beat the every loving shit out the person responsible for this, despite the fact that we didn't have a single idea who this person was or anything. I quickly realized that was an impossible scenario and then next thing to come to mind was how utterly helpless and beyond my control this whole situation would/could be.For all my failures, for all my faults, my shortcomings, my daughter is my redemption. At 18, she's more financially, socially and personally responsible than I am at 35. She's vibrant, full of life, love and spirit. She's a beautiful girl who is wise enough to heed advice from others. She's a great person who's months away from kicking open the doors on a brave new world. I can't imagine life with her just going to college but the idea that she could simply cease to exist has never once entered my mind.As I crept along the line of cars, I was having a bit of an issue with trying to keep up while calling and tears streaming down my face. I tried to call her again and finally heard a ring instead of her voicemail. The call connected and I heard her voice finally. Turns out she had her headphones in the entire time and assumed ( rightfully so for the area ) that all the commotion was some accident or mundane emergency ( odd choice of words ) until her phone blew up from all the family and friends trying to reach her. I did my best to steady my voice and just let her know I was coming to pick her up. As soon as I hung up, I let her mother know she's was fine.I managed to pack all those emotions up for the rest of the evening and just keep it casual and sort of upbeat. We even grabbed some fast food from the same shopping center and I used it as an opportunity to demonstrate what "surreal" really feels like.When we got home, my girlfriend ran up and gave her a big hug and sort of broke down a bit, but that was short lived. I kept the mood as light and airy as possible and we sat around watching the news and I was explaining to her and my son about parallels between this and the DC sniper. Bedtime for the younger kids finally came and I had to head back into work. I had already been up 36 hours by that point, got to work and did what I had to before heading home and passing out.It wasn't until I got to work this morning that the emotions, the feelings, the fear, the concern and all that stuff hit me like a freight train. Granted, from an objective standpoint, she was never in any actual danger ( sounded like the "incendiary device" was really a trash can fire or something ). We're just overreacting and because we've lived in relative safety, this is just something we lack experience with. That still doesn't change the fact that "What if..." still got in there and did some damage for me. I feel that I can actually empathize and recognize what other parents go through. Hell, I can't tell you how many times my parents were awoken in the middle of the night by the police and had the same concerns. I even OD'd on meth one time and they watched me get strapped to a bed in the ER and flip the fuck out. That would be absolutely terrifying.Maybe I'm still being a selfish asshole and I'm scared that something I have invested time and energy in was almost or could have been lost. Maybe I'm not as much as a sociopathic degenerate as I believe myself to be. Maybe I just had a reality check, I really don't know.I know I've said some insensitive things about people who freak out over things in regards to their children's safety. I know I have advocated or expressed views that did not take into account these feelings of helplessness and the potential loss of someone who's another parent's redemption, or their best friend. I feel like shit about that now. I finally get it. Hell, a few weeks ago I was arguing about school shootings as figures and numbers and saying it wasn't as big of a deal as people made it out to be, just because I had no frame of reference to compare something like that to or could conceive what it would be like. I'm an asshole for sure in that context.I'm just trying to process all this now, at work, and yeah. Time's short, life's precious and everyone should give their kids a huge hug everyday. Something else that stood out was the fact that I hadn't expressed how proud or meaningful my daughter's accomplishments have been recently so yesterday morning after she blindly texted me about a few Netflix shows, I just sort of told those things "out of the blue". While I was panicking the car on the way there, I was trying to remember what my last words to her were before I remembered that.Holy crap man. Being a parent, amirite? via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2IIn0yW
No comments:
Post a Comment