help with bonding with my 6 month old baby.

hi, i’m new to reddit and i don’t really know how it works or if i’m doing this right, but i really need advice.when i was 16, i got pregnant by my boyfriend at the time. this was very shocking to everyone i knew because i was seemingly very quiet and on the track to go to university. when my boyfriend found out, at first he made it seem like he was going to be there for the baby, but over time we broke up and he moved to arizona with his family.i contemplated giving the baby up for adoption over the 9 months i carried the baby. finally, i decided to keep him. by the later months of my pregnancy, my mom became so supportive and excited to be a grandma.i had a c-section and when i was told i had a baby boy, i felt nothing. later, the midwife handed me my baby and i held him in my chest and still i felt nothing. no connection. it felt like someone else’s child.in three days, i took him home with my mom. she would hold him and take care of him when he cried and she’d feed him. i was filled with such sadness and guilt. looking at him made me feel terrible. i couldn’t interact with him.i spent all day in bed and when it was weeks later, i still felt this terrible way. the guilt was overtaking me. i couldn’t eat. i didn’t talk to anyone. i hated myself.when he was 7 weeks old, his father came by from states away to visit his child. i don’t know how it led to this, but i ended up leaving with him with my suitcase to go to oregon. he and i both had our own situations where we should’ve been taking medication, but as a couple, we were toxic for each other. still are.next thing i know we’re out of money and living in a shitty apartment in vegas. he put me through so much affliction in these few months but i guess i did the same to him. this was the lowest point in my life so far.my mom would text and call and i’d leave her unanswered until a month ago when i finally called her back and we worked out me returning to the house. there were a lot of apologies and i still can’t believe my mom took me back.now my baby is 6 months and i really want to make a change. i’m becoming more stable on medications and i want to be his mom and a good one at that. i feel so disconnected from him but i just want to move past that and bond with him. does anyone know of what i can do? i’m sorry i know this is probably a lot. i just regret so much and i want to make things right. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/3dmExfE