It’s getting hard

I’m a single mom. And today was just one of those days where I felt sad, and overwhelmed for no apparent reason. I thought at first maybe i was just tired but I got to talking with a friend and the conversation got pretty deep.I should probably start from the beginning... I met my daughters dad at work. We knew of each other and would occasionally exchange words but it wasn’t until a year or so that we actually started getting involved with each other. We moved pretty quickly, which now....I wish I would’ve made better choices. But that’s neither here nor there. I got pregnant fairly quick, I had a high risk pregnancy due to the fact that I didn’t really wait long enough between my first section with my son. I got pregnant with my daughter like 5 months after I had him. I was constantly in pain, i was sad and miserable the entire time. I hated being pregnant with her, I often thought I might not bond with her because I felt so disconnected at the time with just about everything. I wasnt working as much I was home more and taking care of his other kids from previous relationships and my son from a previous relationship as well by myself, we weren’t getting along as well anymore and that should have been the first sign that things were just not going to work out. But I stayed for 2 years,Fast forward to having my daughter, I had a c section and he was already planning to return to work the following week. How the hell was I gonna do this alone with 4 kids? He went back anyway. He started helping less, changed jobs, started working more, drinking more, doing drugs (pills) being home less, we started arguing more, yelling turned into pushes, pushes turned into slaps, slaps turned into hospital trips due to broken bones. I never said anything, I was scared...It wasn’t until the last time he put his hands on me that i left, I quit my job packed up what i could and my kids and left. He seen my daughter for about a month or 2 after then completely disappeared for almost a year. During that time of healing and starting over I was terrified, I was safe but terrified. I never wanted to go anywhere let alone with my daughter Incase i ran into him. The thought of living in the same town with the possibility of seeing him anywhere i might go gave me the worst anxiety. In that time my daughter showed signs of development delay. I was worried because at a year old she just wasn’t doing anything, absolutely anything. No crawling. No walking. No talking. Nothing, she had doctors appointments , they agreed she wasn’t progressing at the rate she should be. So she started therapy, which now she does 3 times a week, which I have to be present for. So I work full time and between work, my daughter and trying to balance giving my son enough attention as well it’s overwhelming to say the least. I constantly feel anxious and angry and sad and I’m not sure why. I still have such a hard time going anywhere, I want to but I can’t bring myself to. I cant take my kids to the park without feeling like something bad is going to happen and that we should just go home because it’s safe there.Her dad is currently present and he legally has rights to see her but every time she leaves with him I think the absolute worst. Its just been her and I on this journey and she’s obviously attached to me and i to her that it physically hurts when she goes, as dramatic as it may sound I always wonder like is this going to be the last time I see her. I dont trust him but what can I do?There is not a moment where i don’t feel guilty, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed, alone and scared. I think how much easier it would be to have help but the thought of allowing anyone to get close to my kids and I is fuckin terrifying.I just want to feel normal again. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2zHJZYK